Timeshare

APT artist Molly Zuckerman-Hartung s showing “Timeshare” a solo show.

I've been dreaming of calendars. My friend E broke up with his girlfriend the same week that David Bowie died. He texted me "I can't believe he's gone" and didn't mention the woman. Between 1997 and 2002 I sustained an unrequited longing for E. We had sex a few times and his desultory apathy stung. He fell in love with my friend C and they slept together on K's couch in the afternoons after nights of drugs. K died in February of 2013. He was all alone in the city but still doing heroin. He died of an overdose. My mother wrote to me in 2010 that she always had dreams of her ship. Sometimes it came in. 

I wrote to G in April of 2012 about my "'l'esprit d'escalier" with him. Denis Diderot, who was born in 1713 and died in 1784 wrote, "a sensitive man, such as myself, overwhelmed by the argument leveled against him, becomes confused and can only think clearly again [when he reaches] the bottom of the stairs." He was 71 years old when he died. A sensitive man attending parties. Now I live up three flights of stairs. On the first floor is a bar called Lone Wolf where I dance sometimes by myself. The first time I fell into a stupor of love I was 19 years old and his name was Lonewolf. He lived with me in my apartment on 21st street for six weeks in 1994. When he left he moved to another city and read all of Proust which he said reminded him of punk. Lonewolf died before September 11, 2001. Or maybe after. His coffin was powder blue.

In 1989 Nirvana released their first album, titled Bleach. I've been painting with bleach because I like to watch the colors disappear. Watching the bleach reminds me of working in the black and white darkroom in college, back in 1995. Bleach is a corrosive agent, like rust, or iron oxide which is the red color in bricks and blood and also on Mars. David Bowie's fifth studio album The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars was released in 1972, three years before I was born. Sun Ra and his Arkestra were exploring interstellar travel back in the 1950's when my mom was a kid. Last summer in M's basement, I reread a faded and yellowed copy of The Martian Chronicles by Ray Bradbury. He used the series of Martian landings by earth people as an analogy for the violence and blindness of colonization on earth. The painters of the Stone Age placed their handprints on cave walls with iron oxide. The mark of presence is also the mark of absence. D taught me this between 2005 and today. I need help with the heavy shit.